Posted in Musings and Mutterings

On Turning 50

Just before my 50th birthday
Just before my 50th birthday

Here I am, just shy of 50. Not really sure what that means, or if it should mean anything. To many, 50 seems to be a landmark birthday. As if by reaching that certain date, your life will metamorphose into something…. else. Seems that most approach it with dread and desperation, but to me, it’s something else.

To me, I’m pretty certain it’s another opportunity to celebrate me. Sounds a bit egotistical, but hopefully you won’t click away in disgust, and you’ll read further.

I fully expect to be 113 years old. I fully expect to be healthy and mobile and spry and connected. I fully expect to have that glimmer… that gleam… that spark at 113. I’m absolutely positive I’m going to go to the National Archives, see where I signed my name on the time capsule when I was 13, marvel at the tricentennial commemorative junk, have a good burger on my birthday and then turn in for the evening, which will turn into my dirt nap. (Until I decide it’s time to take a romp in this realm again) *No, Jenny, not as a zombie!*  That’s my plan.

Until then, I get to celebrate me another 62 times. Woo hoo! During the celebration of me, I think it’s important to look back over the year and recognize how I’ve grown. Did I take time to let the people in my life know how much I love them and what they mean to me. I may know exactly when my exit is, but that doesn’t mean I know when anyone else will choose to depart. I feel good about my accomplishments, both professionally and personally. I think it’s good to appreciate your experiences. I also believe that it’s a good time to consider some new possibilities and decide just what it is I want to do/learn for the next arbitrarily set amount of time. (since time doesn’t really exist, it’s always arbitrary)

This birthday, I decided to have some friends over to join me in a Spa Day. I’ve hired a masseuse, bought candles that smell fresh and clean, ordered white daisies and white carnations (my favorite flowers) ordered some of my favorite foods and will mix up a punchbowl of my favorite cocktail. I’m really looking forward to it. Not too much, and with my friends, who are more family than not.

I’ve seen butterflies EVERYWHERE this year. I could sit for hours and watch my butterfly bush, but I’ve seen butterflies while out and about, in decor, on clothes….  So, it dawned on me that maybe I should think about this, because when I think about butterflies, like most people, I believe, I think about change. So, what’s changed?

I feel less worried about being alone and spending time with myself.  I’ve found that I don’t need to worry so much about what others think of me, or being accepted, and that the more I like me, the more I’m liked. Phhhh, what’s not to like? It’s interesting how you can see yourself as this totally fucked up insecure and flawed person, while someone else looks at you with admiration and awe – for exactly the same reasons! Instead of denying the things being said to me, I’m choosing to be open and listen. Even if what’s being said about, or to, me isn’t nice. I mean, really, who doesn’t want to hear lovely things, but those ugly things aren’t as easy to listen to, now are they? And I’m accepting that if I want joy, light and happiness in my life, it’s important to focus on joy, light and happiness.

Ultimately, 50 is fine. 50 is great! 50 is almost like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. 50 is friends, fun, carrot cake, fried okra, relaxation, music, love and laughter. Here’s to 50! :0)