So, I’m an idiot. But an idiot that cares.
I realize that I’m probably the stupidest smart person I know. I’ve been trying to do the impossible and be everything to everyone. Most of the times, I think I do a pretty good job. I am a loving and supportive mother, an involved wife, a dedicated employee and with what’s left, I try to be a really good friend. I try to keep in touch and up to date with my friends and do my best to try and invite them to be a part of my life as much as I can while involving myself in their lives when they invite me to do so. So why do I feel so crappy? Could it be because even with all this effort and juggling, I don’t seem to make everyone as happy as they’d like to be, and is that *my* fault, or theirs?
This evening I was working at auditions. We didn’t have an accompanist, which means the boss has to play the piano, listen and evaluate, do the paperwork and judge the vocal abilities all within a 5 minute time frame, while being polite and professional to parents and students. No pressure there. We eventually fell behind, which was inevitable and wasn’t helped by some walk in appointments. (Not so easy to fit two children in one slot!!) That said, all the parents were very patient, but that put all the more pressure on the boss to keep up the grueling pace through 5 hours of auditions with one audition every 5 minutes.
Did I mention she was recently awarded a MUCH DESERVED Excellence in Teaching award??
When we had patted ourselves on the backs for a job well done and gone home to rest, there in our emailboxes, was a letter from a parent who had nothing kind to say about the audition process. A scathing letter to say the least. What a shame, because we had thought we were doing such a great job! Mostly the parent was disturbed by the fairly rapid pace that the boss – who is amazing and can recognize what she’s looking for with only a few notes- had set. Again, what a shame… I’m sure that neither one of us felt very good at that point, me, the boss and the parent.
After seeing that juicy tidbit, I found that my daughter was upset with me because I told her she was allowed to do whatever she wanted for her birthday, but that I would like to spend a bit of time with her since it’s her 18th. Somehow, this was upsetting to her and I was in trouble then.
Next, my dearest friend in all the world, began to tell me how inadequate I am. Oh, those weren’t the words used, but that was the end result. And I wonder, how they can forget all the times they contributed or requested that I not visit for their reasons and then proceed to complain about how often I haven’t been able to, knowing my world and the schedule I’ve been keeping?
That brings me around to the very beginning. I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to be everything to everyone, mostly because I love the people I let into my world, but maybe I should instead learn to be as much as I can to as many as I can and let go of the difference. Maybe it’s not ME that is the issue entirely and maybe I have to just learn to let people feel the way they do without taking the blame or attempting to help/fix everything. Doesn’t really make me feel any better… sigh… tomorrow shall be another day….