I’ve heard that people come and go from your life in the time frame and manner that they are supposed to, and I know that relationships change, but I gotta say that I can’t seem to wrap my mind around some choices. Before you get all preachy with me, I know I’m not supposed to “get” every choice, since I’m not the person living that life and feeling what they are feeling. I can only ever truly experience life from my perspective.
Now that you understand that I understand this, also understand that this is my blog and as such, it is where I choose to ponder the choices of others now and again. You are welcome to come along with me if you choose. If not – that’s ok, too.
I knew someone who used to go nuts when I would say, “It’s your choice, or not.” or “We could go to this place, or not.” I think the thing that made him bonkers was he viewed this as indecisive. In fact, many might view it the same way, but to me it was more of a reminder that he had a choice. He could guide the interaction, based on his choice. I think we forget sometimes that in anything, there is always a choice. We are never victims if we chose to put ourselves in certain circumstances, right?
Have you ever gotten an email when you were just not in a good mood and the text, while innocuous enough, struck you just a certain way that you read all kinds of emotion into the words that were never meant by the author, only to read the same email later, when in a different frame of mind, and see that your understanding of that email is completely different?
Sometimes I like to revisit events in my life as if I’m re-reading that email. Maybe look at it from a new perspective.
I have a “friend” (what do you call someone you shared your life with and whom you hold no ill will towards, but who has chosen to not interact with you anymore? Is that still a friend?) who hung around with Hubby and I long ago. We were always together and rarely did anything without the other. This person wanted companionship, love and support, since they were recently out of a failed relationship, had been dealing with an ailing parent and was generally miserable. They still hung out with all the same people we did, so I did what I tend to do and bring them into the fold of my “family” and hope that the tenure of our friendship is uplifting and positive.
This person was really stung by the way their other half had betrayed them, and again, all of us being in the same group made it difficult to not see the new pair all the time. Additionally, the other half had left my friend with an extra passenger, but didn’t want to be involved in its destruction even though they had certainly been involved in its creation. The choice to move on to another relationship I could deal with. The choice to remain in the same set of friends was, to me, harsh. The choice to not support someone while they go through the destruction of a creation you are equally responsible for pisses me off.
Since I never know who reads what, I’m not going to go any further into details, but suffice it to say that elaborate measures were taken to make the other half understand how their choice had affected my friend by altering their perception. Albeit some slight of hand and trickery was involved in changing the view, I think the experience was ultimately something that was positive.
I don’t know if my “friend” ever told the then-other-half-and-now-spouse the truth, the whole truth an nothing but the truth, but I don’t think that really matters. They’ve been together for many years and are very happy. But here is the crux of why I share this with you. We don’t talk anymore and I’m not sure why.
They moved away and we would talk on the phone and visit when we were in town. We never got into an argument or a fight and we had been very good friends, but after talking to her one night, they shut down. No calls, letters, greeting cards.. it all came to a grinding halt. Recently, we found ourselves on FB and I sent them a letter asking how life was and how things were going. I didn’t really get anything back, so I wrote again. It was a breezy email about how life was going and supportive of their medical diagnosis and such and still. No response.
Ok, that stung. I had hung with this person through some very tough times and now I’m persona non gratis? Huh? Why would you make a conscious choice to do that to someone? Was it fear that their other half might find out what was done all those years ago? I don’t think so. My mind reels with the why, until I remember that it was their choice. Their choice had more to do with them and where they were at this point in their life, rather than with me.
Doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder what was going on inside their head when they made the choice and doesn’t mean I have to like it either.
I had another “friend” whom I had cared for and involved in my world for many years. We were very close and had much fun together. I really wanted this person to be happy and had hoped they would find the perfect person for them to be with. When they met their now other half, it was insisted that we no longer speak to one another. I’m sure they were wanting to keep peace in the new relationship, they decided to cut me from their life as well. Would have been nice to have them explain that to me instead of the way it happened.
Disposable Sharon was what I was thinking at the time. Eventually, I considered the timing of the universe and realized that by taking the brunt of the rejection and working through that, I had done them a favor. This relationship was at a point where I was no longer able to give as much support as was needed by my “friend” and if I had given up and “dumped” them the way they did me, they would have never survived it at that point in their life, whereas I’ve always been the stronger of the two, and able to rebound with a better attitude due to my believe in all that’s good and generally sunny nature. (Which was restored in part due to my surgery – yes!!) So now I think, ‘Your welcome. I’ve continued to support you.” when I feel the occasional sting of wanting to just call up and shoot the breeze with my ex-buddy or hear and see things that remind me of them.
In fact, both “friends” were basically in the same situation before they shed me of them. In some ways I can liken this to having two children who flew the nest.
Either way, every time I visit these situations, I try to look at them from a different perspective than I did before and see the lessons that I learned from each.
And then I had another friend whom I had thought was long gone show up again. This person told me how much I had meant to them and how I’d affected their life. They were so happy to know I was doing well. They showed up at just the right time and what they told me was just what I’d needed to hear. We are still in touch. Shortly after that, another friend and then another popped up. Each of them told me that I’d been a positive point in their life. We are also still in touch.
Cycles… balance….but most of all love. I’m full of love. Sure I get angry or hurt, but my predominant thought for people I meet is love, care and support. I should know better than to doubt me. My heart is in the right place for me and the choices of others were made for them. I can respect that.