Inclusion

I had another blog for a bit of time. There aren’t too many blogs over there, although I’m not sure why I didn’t stick with it. Since I’m importing blogs – I do have to get back to that – from my Multiply account, I figured I’d pull in a few from blogs that were not as long-lived.

This one was titled “Dreams” and was posted April 16, 2009

I don’t have a ton of time to write the whole dream, sadly, and maybe I’ll get to it later, but I do actually work and I have to get ready to run here very soon. I just didn’t think I could wait too much longer without losing my dream and my thoughts on it.

For as long as I can remember, bad dreams happened at my parents house. Scary monsters in the basement, natural disasters, ghouls, distress, unhappiness, you get the picture.

After my parents died and I cleaned out the house, sold it, and burned some pictures in a “letting go” ceremony, I started having dreams where I was outside of the house, and then across the street and then on another block. I had a few where people invited me inside, but I always stood outside and declined going in. I stopped having the REALLY bad dreams after that. I still have interesting dreams and some are rather nightmarish, but they don’t ever happen in my parents house anymore and I don’t experience the same kind of abject terror I used to. I was happy that my “nemesis” had been vanquished.

Last night, I had a dream that was confusing and slightly disturbing more than terrifying. I was walking in my old neighborhood, but not near my parents house. I’m currently wearing an Aircast to fix a foot problem, but I dreamed I was wearing plastic bags on my feet. (odd, I know) Anyway, I started up a hill to a house and suddenly I was parking my car in the carport.

My parents do not have a carport, but a person who no longer speaks to me does. Also, his house and my parents house are slightly similar, in that when you walk in the side door, there are steps to the basement in front of you. His kitchen is to the left and the living room is to the right however there is a wall in the way, so you have to walk all the way around through the kitchen/dining room and then into the living room. In my parents house, the kitchen was to the right and the living room was to the left with no wall. You could run the whole circle around their stairwell. This is important in this dream because when I walked into the side door, this house was a combination of the two houses. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call his house HH and my parent’s house MP.

When I walked in the kitchen was on the left, like HH, but the kitchen was MP’s kitchen. Talk about an odd sensation. Then at times I could see to the right into the living room and others I couldn’t, like the two houses were combating one another for prominence in the dream. When I did see into the living room from where I was standing, I saw fresh drywall, repairs and exposed drywall screws on the wall closest to the carport and a mix between MP furniture and HH old decor, but the walls were a different color. In fact – and this is the really strange part – all the colors in HH were the same colors as in my house, just not in the same places. The doors were new and white and I could see that some renovations were being done, as if construction was on going in this blend of HH and MP.

When I didn’t see into the Living Room, there was an institutional looking bathroom were the wall would have been in HH, and on one glance, filled with people just standing there, and then it would be the blank wall by the door again.

In the kitchen was a man with dark hair who said it was fine for me to be there. I remember feeling very antsy. Not only do I never wish to go into MP again, I never expect to go into HH either. The man with the dark hair (who often appears and is always calm and soothing to me in dreams) told me it was ok. That she wasn’t there. Now oddly enough, the night before last, I’d had a dream where the woman of HH and I were sitting and talking pleasantly to one another. There was a dog there and while slightly stiff, it wasn’t as horrible as either one of us had imagined it would be.

Anyway, the man says she’s not there, she’s gone on a trip and that it’s ok for me to be in the house. I have NO IDEA why I was there. The dark-haired man left and my husband was there in the MP kitchen situated to the left as in the HH with the MP window and dishwasher where the HH window and dishwasher should have been, but with the HH cabinets. I was sitting at the kitchen table from MP in the HH kitchen. The HH kitchen actually has a bar in it and NO room for a table. This was SO CONFUSING to me that I got even more distressed. I told hubby I wanted to leave, I didn’t want to be there. I went to the refrigerator from HH but in MP kitchen and took out a sock from the freezer and started putting it on. I was having troubles getting the blasted thing on my foot and noticed it was getting dark. I saw lights come up in the carport through the side door and started to panic. I told hubby that someone was home from work. I frantically tried to get my shoe on my foot. I saw MP door open into HH kitchen and then shut again really fast. I told hubby, “He’s calling the cops on us. We didn’t do anything, we were let in and had permission to be there. He’s calling the cops!!” Hubby agreed, but didn’t seem disturbed. I finally tied my shoe, but was in such a state of distress I woke up without leaving.

While looking around at dream meanings, most of this dream makes sense. In fact,the part that makes the least amount of sense, even makes sense.

Lemme ‘splain. When you dream about houses, you are usually dreaming about the status of your self, your psyche, your health and your emotional well being. Since I saw a kitchen, living room, bathroom, door, window, carport and new construction, it basically means that I’ve decided to expunge some old feelings (bathroom), that I’m building and changing (construction) that the blended living rooms of MP, HH and my home colors with construction going on means that I’m working on resolving emotional hurts from both my parents and friend and forging changes within my life. The fact that I came in the carport means that I’m at the end of a journey. I came into the kitchen, the only place I encounter people I feel secure with and neither of those people were the owners of the houses. Kitchens mean warmth and spiritual nourishment and transformation. I think it’s very important that my spiritual dream guide was in this room. I don’t think I can get away with not believing that I have a spirit or dream guide. I’ve had too many dreams where this one spirit and I interact and I never realize in the dream that it’s them, only after the fact do I realize that he was there again. Always on the fringes, always showing me which way to go.

The part that makes the least amount of sense, but at the same time makes the most amount of sense is that I experienced much emotional hurt and trauma in my parent’s house and fairly recently, I’ve experienced emotional hurt on the same level by my friend. The only other person on the planet, besides my husband, that knew me so well and I trusted, behaved in a fashion much like my parents. Abandonment, rejection and excommunication. I think that is why the two houses are intermingled within each other. The hurts are equally damaging.

I can take heart in the fact that there were plenty of positive clues in this dream that tell me that I’m working through these hurts. I’m sure they will never be totally gone, but if I can build new rooms and put on a fresh coat of paint, I think I’ll be good and whole again!

Addendum: I was wrong. I now know you can let go of more than you ever thought you could. That paint I put up?, it must have had a good primer base coat as well.