Category: Musings and Mutterings

Ever have those times where something just tastes so good, so perfect, so…. right, that you want to keep eating it no matter what the consequences?

I had one of those moments today. I have been very good about buying candy for Halloween that I don’t like, just so I won’t eat it. Typically, I don’t like milk chocolate at all and I really don’t like peanut butter, but today… those pesky little Butterfinger bars were callin’ my name and I couldn’t resist the siren’s call.

20 minutes after ingestion of sugars, I’m ready for a nap. I can feel it coming on as I type, but I’m going to have to try and resist. I have far too much going on for that kind of luxury today.

Ahh, what the hell… maybe 15 minutes.

Not much to add today. I worked, I slept, I worked, I ate, and I ranted.
I’m still angry.. I feel like I should be Alanis Morrissette. Venting into my journal, albeit not as lyrically as she does. Damn, I could have used a few extra millions too.

My routine has been shot lately.. and I want to get back into it. Work can really disrupt things, can’t it?

I’m tired.
I’ve been confused for weeks now.
I don’t understand how some people work.
I trusted this person. I opened my life to them and involved them in every aspect. I risked my relationships for them, every day.
Within less than 2 months, this person turned on me and after nearly 20 years of friendship, stopped talking to me for no other reason than the fact that they couldn’t handle the same juggling of friendship and a relationship that I had been juggling for all that time.
I’m disgusted. I’m hurt. I’m mad and I’m sad.
I hate liars. I hate people who say with conviction that they will “always be there” or that “they’ll just have to understand you are my friend” and then the INSTANT it looks remotely difficult for them, they go back on all that was said before.
I had trust issues before this person, I have bigger ones now.
I trusted this one person to understand and know everything there was about me. I gave them the power of knowledge and allowed myself to reveal my vulnerability to them. They knew what they were doing when they made their choices and if they said otherwise, they were only lying yet again.
This person would rather ignore or not deal with an uncomfortable situation and would prefer to let it rot and decay instead of confronting it. This person is a fucking coward.
Why did they choose to hurt me so, because in the end, that’s what they’ve done. They’ve chosen to do this to me and I think that’s what confuses and pisses me off the most. I wish I could say I did something really ‘wrong’ to deserve this. I can live with that. I didn’t. I stuck by this person, I supported them during years of friendship. I dedicated a large part of my life to them. I was more than willing to be open about their new choices in life, I even encouraged them. And yet, here I am, blogging to no one and everyone at the same time about how I feel used, and betrayed and hurt.
Sometimes, I hate you.

And wow is he small…

Ok, most of you probably didn’t get the joke, but it made me smile so who cares?

I’ve been working late all week long and having to be “on” which can be so annoying at times. How many times can you force your face into a false smile and have it not look like a grimace? I’ve been very clear in communicating what needs to be done and the rules of engagement for each step of the process, but still I am bombarded by repetitive questions, all usually previously explained in great detail in a prior email or conversation.

I would consider the fact that maybe I just hadn’t been clear except when I repeat the same information I gave out in said emails, the recipients seem to suddenly ‘get it’ and you can see their whole face light up with understanding. Duh…

I think people just don’t read.

There is this person who has treated me so poorly that I have a pretty big hurt right about now that I’ve been working on healing. Without excommunicating myself from others that I like, there is no way to get completely away from this person, which means that when new blogs are posted or conversation occurs with the “mutuals” then my scab is picked off and I’m freshly aware of the garbage that has been going on is still there. That sucks, and I’m sure there will be more on that topic later, when I feel good and angry and ready to discuss what a total waste of my life this person has proven to be. Right now, I’m too busy to go into it any more than I have.

Speaking of busy, my butt needs to get back to work…

This being the first post on my latest blog, I feel I need to be clear and explain to myself and anyone that stumbles across my blatherings, that I have been feeling stifled.

I have another blog… which I started using my real name and an ID I’ve had forever, thus if you see it, and you know me, well then.. you know me!

That’s the first problem.

Like an idiot, I invited all my friends to read my neat new blog and as such, I put in place my second problem. How the hell can you write about your daily life and the crap that bothers you if all your friends and family regularly wander by and read it?

Ok, that’s the second problem.

Within that friend-o-sphere there have recently come some people who I don’t necessarily like and some that have hurt the hell out of me, so where do I turn when I’m feeling angst, hate, hurt and down? Well, I usually journal, but because I’m so freaking lazy at this point that I don’t want to take the time to actually physically WRITE with a pen on paper, I’d rather type away as fast as my mind and fingers can tap on the keyboard and really let the feelings fly… but I can’t. Why not? See problem one and two.

That’s problem three.

That, hopefully, brings us to this solution. A new blog, a new post, and sorry people, but some anonymity as well. I’ll tell you straight up that I will not be using my name, my families names, my friends names and hopefully nothing else that will identify me, BUT- that doesn’t mean that what I write about isn’t the truth, or at least the truth as I know it, because I am an honest person who just doesn’t want people to know how much they get on my nerves at times.

And that’s really all that matters here, isn’t it? Not if you like what I write, not if I’m politically correct, not if what I write is fluffy and entertaining, not if I spare little Johnny’s feelings, not if I decide to write some kind of sexual commentary (thus the mature thing), but to have a true place where I can let it all hang out and just write whatever I feel like.

Someone asked me, “why make something so private, so public?” Hmmm, good question, damn them… I’m not sure why! I’m not anti-social and I’m not closed-minded. I suppose the point of it being somewhat public is to allow others to let me know if they feel the same way, think I’m full of shit, or just want to toss around a different viewpoint. That is, after all, how we live and grow.

A snippet of our visitor tasting the air!

Family and Friends celebrate with us!

Visiting

Heather, Lilli and Sebastian are visiting this week. The house is as babyproofed as it can be. The dog has a few new toys and treats to keep her occupied and not feeling left out. Everyone took off Wednesday so we can all have some family/baby time as well. Now we are just waiting.

Heather had to take the girls to their father first, and she got on the road around 3am, dropped them off at 7:00am and is traveling the rest of the way here now. We expect her about 5pm or so. A long day for everyone in that car, but she has her own room and will be able to rest a bit. I’m sure someone here will be loving on the kidlets enough to let her have some quiet time.

We are all excited and looking forward to seeing our daughter/sister and our grandchildren/niece and nephew. Some of us have never seen the boy at all and others haven’t seen the girl in over a year. That’s far too long!!

Lasagna is in the oven, bubbling away for dinner. I just need to pick up some crusty bread and we are set for an evening of visiting!

When I was 14, I would put this song (“Fools Overture”) on, lay down in my bed and listen to it as I started to drift off to sleep. The music was a soundtrack for different “mini movies” I’d make in my head before I drifted off. I remember it used to block out all the mundane thoughts rolling around in my head and let my imagination take off, or let me have my private conversations with the universe without the clutter of life crowding in. Maybe I should take a page from my past and set my cd player up to listen to a piece of music before I drift off to sleep and see if it affords me the same “quiet time” it used to.